At rock bottom the only direction is up.

       When all you know is how to run away from your problems it makes things particularly difficult when you’re trying to solve them. I should know, I completely ran myself into the ground, but a good friend of mine, Phoebe, told me at my lowest that “the only direction is up from here right?”. It took me a while to really appreciate that though. I was told earlier in August 2014 that I had Depression, OCD, and generalized anxiety disorder (Links for more info: http://www.merriam-webster.com/LOOK IT THE FUCK UP).

       All jokes aside it really was a vindictive, persistent and at times hopeless last year or so. Some days I would panic in my head so I’d begin to cry. I’d cry so hard that I would pass out from hyperventilating, I wouldn’t know how to think or to speak. Sometimes I even forgot where I was and where I was going because I so brimmed with worry and anxiety I couldn’t function.   They were probably the most frightening things I’ve had to experience with myself and I hope that no one else in the entire world has to understand and feel that pain, frustration and helplessness that I put myself through for so long. There are a few things that helped me in the beginning of this though. It was hard to even come up with a logical explanation for my feelings let alone try to solve the whole thing. I can’t stress enough how critical baby steps are.

        Aside from blasting my usual array of mismatch genres of music though, I  tried to FIRST: Be Honest with myself. For so long I denied that I had a real problem. But I stopped talking to many of my friends, spent most nights alone in my room. I constantly threw digs at myself for simple mistakes and would get overly upset about it. I even stayed inside an entire weekend, I cried every day of it and eventually had a nervous break down and started having the darkest thoughts about ending my life. Everyone around me began to feel my feelings because I could no longer keep them inside and when that happens you know it’s time to deal with them. SECOND: Never Give Up. Like I mentioned before I went to a very dark place, as I can imagine most people have, I began to think so negatively I wanted to break up with my boyfriend, quit school, and I honestly thought it would be easier to not live. I thought that no matter how many problems I go through, my uncle committing suicide, my mother being a meth addict and abandoning her kids, never meeting my father, or the fact I am supposed to have another brother but he was aborted by force because of my other brothers father. Life is always throwing you curve balls. I am still in shock that my GPA in school is finally moving up and I am in my 4th year about to graduate with a bachelors degree. Never give up, because on the other side of that tragedy lies happiness. The greatest truth I’ve come across so far in my journey is that all the bad moments really make the good moments worth a second glance…… 

…  Next week I’ll continue on in this thing called life. 

Thanks for reading, please continue to read and comment I love to hear feedback, (hopefully there won’t be too much bullshit to sift through. )

Annora-