Family Roles
End of life is something that I have had experience with over the last several years through my volunteer work with Dream Foundation. Dream Foundation is a non-profit organization that grants wishes to adults who are terminally ill. One aspect of my work is making floral deliveries to terminally ill patients on hospice, at local facilities, and to their home. I’ve watched and listened to these patients and learned a great deal about what it means to live and when it’s time to let go. It was a few months after my work began with DF that I had the conversation with my husband, Scott about what constitutes “living.” We agreed that neither of us would want to prolong life simply because the technology is available to sustain our life. I know wholeheartedly, when the time comes, that we will be able to carry out each other’s wishes.
A few months ago I was faced with this conversation once again as my oldest sister and I began to bring up the topic to our parents. My mom whose been declining cognitively over the last year just isn’t the same woman she once was. Her dementia makes her forget just about everything. Last August, she rescinded her driver’s license after she walked out of a Target and could not remember how she had gotten there and where her car was. The decision was a tough one for her and for us, as we watched her become increasingly more dependent on those around her. Growing up, the conversation about death and dying has always been an approachable topic. My mom, who lost both parents before the age of 2, grew up understanding what death meant because of her maternal grandmother. She raised us kids the same way.
My sister who was apprehensive at first about starting the conversation was having a hard time, so I initiated it. When the time came to asking those difficult questions, my mom who has been dealing with her declining health daily was much more open to talk about the end of life. My dad however was not so ready to discuss it. I realized that for the first time in their marriage my mom is the one that needs to be taken care of, as she had spent a lifetime caring for a husband while also raising 6 children. I don’t think that this new role is one that he is completely comfortable with yet. I assured them that it wouldn’t be just one conversation in time but an open dialogue about what they want when the time comes. I do my best to get home on a regular basis to see my family and continue this conversation. I am always surprised by my parent’s candor and humility. I believe that culture and family plays a great role in the types of decisions made and who is willing to make them. Family and the roles we assume within that unit influence every aspect of life and the end of life.
