Hard Talks

I have actually had an end of life conversation with my family before. It happened right after my grandpa passed away. His death happened in our home, with the family around him, and peacefully in his sleep. I knew that if I or any of my other loved ones were to pass away – that’s how I’d want (or them) to go.

A week after my grandpa passed, my dad sat all the kids down and told us straight out that if something were to happen to him or mom that we should wait 2 weeks. If there were no signs of improvement or prognosis/quality of life was going to be poor, we should take them off life support. It was sad to even think about that kind of situation but my brother, sister, and I agreed that it was important to talk about these things. End of life situations aren’t always expected, and having to make those kinds of decisions during a time of great stress/grief is difficult. That’s why it’s so important to discuss it whenever possible, preferably beforehand. During that discussion I also asked the same – to be taken off support and taken home in 2 weeks if chances of recovery were slim/none/poor quality. I didn’t designate a specific person, but we all agreed that we had the same wishes for ourselves and each other.

I think the way that my family and I view death may be different from other families. I have never been afraid of death because the experiences I’ve had with family deaths were mostly expected and peaceful. I’m not religious, but the rest of my family is very religious and view death as sleeping/waiting. I think the combination of their religious beliefs and the fact that our entire family is pretty stoic/unemotional (probably an Asian thing?) makes our view of end of life, not easier, but more manageable and easier to cope with. I also know that our family/culture has this unspoken agreement that we should take care of our parents/elders. If anything were to happen to my parents I would immediately step up to take care of them. I couldn’t ever put them in a facility/home, and I would definitely want them to be somewhere where they feel comfortable to pass away.

My parents designated me to make the decisions for them (because I’m the oldest child), but they said that they trusted any of us. I know I could trust my dad or mom to make the right decisions for me, and I know that they would both be strong enough to let go if it came down to it. To be honest, I would trust any member in my immediate family to make decisions or make sure my preferences were upheld ( if I had to designate one, it would be my dad). Our family doesn’t talk much or express our feelings (I don’t think I’ve heard an ‘I love you’ in a few months), but we all love each other through our actions and I know in the event of something tragic, my family would be able to support me, my wishes, and the best life/death I could have.